Notebook
for
Get Out
of My Life: The bestselling guide to living with teenagers
Franks,
Suzanne; Wolf, Tony
Introduction
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This new
respect can only be based on the strength and confidence of parents.
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parents
must stand up to all that their teenagers may dish out, and still come out with
their heads high, their confidence intact, their position as the parents and
the bosses still acknowledged, if grudgingly.
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accept a
child’s right to say what he or she has to say, no matter how stupid or
unreasonable. You don’t have to listen to all of it, you can leave whenever you
want, but you respect their right to say it.
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Then you
say what you have to say, you stand your ground and are not blown away by the
inevitable response.
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the
greatest skill for a parent today is learning not to be hurt, truly
understanding that what teenagers say and scream means nothing other than that
they are teenagers and this is how teenagers today behave, understanding that
what they say and what they do in no way diminishes who you are and what you
do. Your teenage children cannot diminish you unless you allow them to do so.
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confidence
that you are the right person for the job and that your efforts are definitely
not in vain.
Part One
– Adolescence
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Parents
see their children being immature, irresponsible, lazy and demanding, because
the home is the natural realm for expressing the dependent, babyish mode of
functioning.
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the other
self beginning to develop slowly – the independent, mature self. This self
reaches out and seeks gratification from meaningful interaction with the world.
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Normal
development pushes towards an ever-decreasing role for the baby self.
Adolescence is no more than the first, most traumatic stage in this ongoing
struggle, exacerbated by the new awareness of sexuality and the mandate to
separate from parents, to avoid unacceptable feelings of dependence.
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operating
in the baby-self mode is a way not to separate from the parents.
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If boys
do become emotional with their parents, they tend to get very emotional indeed.
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Boys
avoid confrontation for the excellent reason that they can’t handle it.
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prior to
their teenage years, remained strongly attached to their parents. In
adolescence, their lack of separation takes the form of endless battling.
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These
boys have their new sexuality and they also have their future, which hangs like
a disquieting cloud, ever threatening. ‘Do you really think you can make it on
your own?’ Boys do not like such thoughts. Such thoughts are disturbing. At
home boys want peace and tranquillity.
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Boys seek
to achieve a state of perfect passive pleasure.
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Teenage
boys seem to be particularly good at lying in bed, listening to music, watching
TV and doing nothing. They can get themselves into a state of total passivity,
with no anxiety and with genuine comfort, screening out all unpleasant stimuli.
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‘I will
do what I feel like doing, but, just as important, I will not do what I do not
feel like doing.
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‘Whatever
my parents say, I will shriek at, do the opposite of, disagree with. You say
it, I’ll yell at it. By doing this, I am obviously demonstrating, both to
myself and to you, that I am not dependent and loving.
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Though
they are disagreeing and criticising, they are nonetheless staying in contact.
By fighting, they maintain an ongoing relationship with their parents.
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It is
important to let teenagers know when they are being inconsiderate. Parents
should refuse to be bullied – they always have the option of saying ‘No’. But
like it or not, the teenagers’ behaviour, though obnoxious, is normal.
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though
their behaviour is obnoxious, terrible, should be stamped out totally, it is
not bad. It is precisely because their parents have been good parents, have
given them the unconditional love and support that should be all children’s
due, that they can be so heedlessly obnoxious.
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The
adolescent mandate says that teenagers must disown their parents in public and
commit to the world separate from home.
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Many
adolescents do crave adult closeness and guidance, but since their parents can
no longer be that chosen adult, they often find substitutes, perhaps a teacher,
a school counsellor, a friend’s parent, or even an aunt or uncle.
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Little
can rival the viciousness and social desperation of 11– 14-year-old girls.
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The basic
purpose of cliques is to give each group member a sense of self-worth,
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with
adolescence the need to find security and self-worth outside the home increases
dramatically.
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To an
appalling degree their day-to-day feeling of self-worth is directly tied to a sense
of their own popularity.
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Most
teenage boys will usually say that ‘hanging around’ with friends and partying
are their favourite things to do.
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Cool
replaces tough.
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The first
is that much of female sexuality is focused not on boys but on themselves, on
how they feel about their own appearance.
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opposite:
it focuses most strongly on the object of desire.
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establishing
a sense of one’s own independence is the main job of the adolescent, then
letting go of their children is the main task of the parents of adolescents.
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What is
it to be the parent of a teenager? It is to do what you think best – when
really you have no idea what is best. It is to ride out the storms and be back
again the next day.
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Parents
of teenagers must somehow accept that a lot may go on over which they have no
control.
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We can
hope to guide our children, to protect them. But, as teenagers, they are out in
the real world – a world that has real dangers.
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Sometimes
children are going to fail and parents simply have to let it happen, not
because this is the only way teenagers will ever learn anything, but simply
because it’s time for them to proceed with their own destinies whether or not
they learn anything in the process.
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The
problem of separation is not, of course, isolated in adolescence. Within all of
us there remains a vestige of the baby self that does not like to separate,
that does not like to be independent.
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For
parents, children provide a new source of attachment.
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We get
used to their loving us and needing us. They can even become the central
meaning in our lives.
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We can
feel that our continuing supervision is necessary to them, while in fact it’s
necessary only to us.
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But
sometimes we take our disappointment out on our children. This may be normal
but it is not okay. It’s not fair on our children to get angry with them
because they have not become what we had wanted.
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